I woke up this morning to a gray sky. It appears it has rained or is about to rain. I look to my left of the bed and see the medication counter. There is one that I must take each morning. By skipping this daily pill, the gray reflected in the sky will also dominate my landscape. It helps me control my mood swings. As the saying has it.
Perhaps if I take my dose today, I will feel a bit better. My mind has also been infiltrated by the dim energy that is reflected in the weather outside. It is difficult to explain how we wake up after sleeping feeling this way. Overnight rest is supposed to do the opposite, which is to re-energize you for the day that has just begun. This is not the case.
As I look up at the sky and marvel at creation and its white clouds contrasting against the darker background, my brain continues to do what it knows best. I can only explain it as if a slideshow suddenly plays throughout my consciousness. As a result, it takes precedence over any improvisation or personal will on my part. My attention is firmly fixed on it and there is nothing anyone - including me - can do to change that.
But if we pay attention to my case, we can all agree that everyone lives through that. Every person's mind wonders and peeks at both the past and the future. There is nothing strange about that. However, I think the strongest arguments will begin to emerge as we question how, and why, these thoughts are always accompanied by a feeling.
And in most cases, this is where the real battle of the mind begins because some of the feelings that suddenly begin to settle inside are not welcome. You can greet the morning after sleeping all night with a smile, satisfied and happy! There are instances in which we may wake up in the morning feeling scared after a tumultuous nightmare. Feeling unease at the thought of those scary images that you viewed. Occasionally, however, as in my many episodes, I wake up exhausted and dejected.
But why do I always feel this way when everything around me suggests a glim of hope? I do not know the answer to that question. The morning medication is designed to achieve balance, so perhaps that explains it better. The mind is a powerful source of energy. It defies any logic as to how it can control so much! And in my case, it has consistently worked. I do not know why I feel sad all the time. However, I have a clear idea of some areas that my heart considers unfinished or pivotal. I can clearly identify events that have negatively unfolded in my life. And for the most part, they have damaged me in more ways than one.
I miss my kids. I have been devastated by the distance between us since my divorce from their mother. I also read some mental notes as I started to see this part of the slideshow to realize just how many mistakes I made. There are so many things I wish I could change! But the note that follows also states that it is now too late for that. Life goes on.
It destroys me to accept that I have always been an outcast. I have never been accepted into a special group of friends in my professional or personal life. I was always the kid picked last…or not picked at all! I was the weird and lonely writer in the corner of an empty school hallway creating worlds and characters that would keep me company and make me feel better.
I am a man of faith. I believe in the divine intervention of the just. Maybe one day I will be on the receiving end of that promise. For now, I feel sorrow when I see faith being destroyed by individuals who do not understand it and who behave in complete contradiction to what they preach. The shelter I once found in this area, where I once called home, has also begun to leak and it no longer feels secure. I hope that changes. I really miss that place.
Maybe I miss my dad more than I admit. He was the voice of reason in most of my dilemmas and offered constructive contributions. Always. I look at my arms and see his fading smile upon me as he slowly leaves us. I can see it just as clearly as the day it happened. I was with him until the last minute. I suppose he will always be with me now. Until my last minute. But I miss him. There is a hole in my heart. And I do not know how it may be filled in.
I do not know. I know nothing really! However, the gray skies and the certainty of precipitation make me forget about everything and fixate myself on a slide show that can only confirm one thing: I am so alone. I feel like a leaf tumbling in the wind unclear as to where it will eventually land. I feel desperately thoughtful all the time. And I miss living because of it.
I have no luck with love. And mainly, it is because of a combination of things. It could be my moral integrity and the urge to do what is right. Or it could be that I have decided to hide myself in a cage of my own making. I am always avoiding interaction and emotional exposure with someone. I fear too much. I do not want any more heartbreaks or disappointments. Some say this is wise. Others tell me it is unhealthy not to give myself another chance. They may be right. But while they share these observations, I am committed to this slideshow and all it encompasses.
I know I will be OK. I know that, when all is said and done, I am in good hands. I believe that. But this feeling is very difficult to overcome. It is an everyday struggle. I live and move through these episodes knowing that the sun will eventually shine again. But this morning is another chapter. Another attempt on my part to not feel sad. I just took my pill so, good morning! I am ready.