Chronicles Of The Battles Of My Mind—Unlearn
The line seemed straight yet I took a turn. I must have jumped when I should have ducked, and I certainly walked in areas where I would have been better off running! What does this entire idea have to do with anything? Exactly what am I supposed to gain by recognizing this unmerciful truth? I assume this is the climbing of the next maturity step in my life. It most definitely elevates me to another plateau where nothing would
hurt me nor hunt me as I try to foresee what lies ahead.
The fact is that I should understand that I know nothing! The minute I take to feel too comfortable and stable with my own content and advancement, reality smacks me right back down to the ground…to the truth. I have been able however, to understand something very clearly; one step I take forward is followed by three steps backwards, and the situation overwhelms me to higher levels. It is then when the equation begins to materialize in my mind, soul and spirit.
It is not about how much I think I know. It has nothing to do with everything that I have been able to understand. I does not involve a thing that I have made mine throughout the years; this affair is way deeper than that. This is too complicated! The things that make more sense to me have arrived from a submissive and humble approach to God in the middle of my stupid attempts and ridiculous efforts to stay afloat in this forsaking storm.
That in terms of trusting the impulses of a heart that keeps on bringing me down, and that continuously insists in placing me in the middle of embarrassing and painful situations, the ideals and ways that have surfaced quite useful are not the ones that I have brought forward, but rather the ones that I have come to learn, from Him.
It has been in the middle of simply stopping all efforts, all vain exertions from my part, where everything has been all too clear for me. It’s a paradox full of amazing contradictions, because everything I have learned to this point means absolutely nothing! It helps me with nothing; it has no value whatsoever. And what has actually yielded light and a sense of freedom are precisely the things that I never knew, things that I have to make my own as I move along.
So, at this point in my life it is no longer about learning, but rather unlearning everything to this point. I do not wish to try anymore; I have decided to hang my gloves. I trust my heart no more; I will simply stay still. I have to understand that perhaps, I am not who I need to be to begin with, and this fact alone will mean that any efforts at trying to succeed, will be shorter than a fly’s life span. I will stay at the start of the line, never to be ready to conclude the race at the finish line.
In return I am forced to simply let go of everything, forget everything, and start at zero with absolutely nothing to account for… nothing to call my own! I have to forget what I have learned about me, about life, about love and about hope. I have to dismember myself from a non-existent reality by which I have become a prisoner, and by which I have suffered so many nights. I am obliged to obliterate senseless heartbeats that end up in the air with no one to care for them, with no one interested.
Life can teach us many things if we put ourselves in the position to be receptive to learn. But at this point in my life, it has undeniably nothing to do with learning as much as it is about unlearning everything that I have put into practice so far. I understand. I get it now.
I will forget. I will not try, and everything I know, I will simply begin to unlearn.