Chronicles Of The Battles Of My Mind—Perplexed

I can still feel the burning sensation in both of my forearms. I am not sure if it was the fact that we were winning the game or that she was playing alongside
with me as a member of that 1984 volleyball team, but I loved being there! Every time we scored I was rescued by her beautiful smile. The sheer joy of her face was overwhelming to me! I was only fourteen years old, but I was deeply in love with her.  Her name was Carol. I remember her beautifully long shaped legs, and her beautiful black hair touching her shoulders. She was the most beautiful thing my eyes had ever rested upon...and the seemingly absent illusions and uncharted feelings of an innocent middle school boy began with her.

They felt like a fate-controlling device. I could close my eyes and imagine her in my arms, feeling her lips exploring mines...I could see us happily rollerblading through the streets of our neighborhood to the sight of everyone, simply enjoying life! I remember daydreaming about her having to control my heartbeat that occasionally brought me to tears as I listened to her favorite song. Oh how beautiful it was to gasp for air as I felt breathless in so many instances! All because of her. Carol woke so many hidden passions inside of me. She transformed my whole being by simply being alive, by being there next to me. I miss those days. I miss those feelings. I miss having Carol.

I am not entirely sure what happens to our human condition as we move on, as we grow up. I am ignorant as to why such a tender way of living and feeling can simply abandon us all, and turn us into such a pessimistic generation constantly craving for the missing  puzzle piece that could complete us whole. It is impossible to hold the tears as I realize who I had been at one point, and the person that I have now become. Illusions. Feelings. Dreams. Where did they all go? How did I lose them? Why don't I have Carol any more? What in the world happened?

Some of the particulars of growing up as a young boy is to wonder into the possibilities of adulthood and all the benefits that come along with it however, it is not until we get to see from that height that we realize exactly where we were once standing, and the regrets are almost instantaneous. I liked who I once was. I was comfortable with life and my expectations. I was happy with the world and all of its challenges. I liked my chances with Carol and the future. That is of course, until I woke up and saw myself today through a time retrospective machine.

Where did all this fear come from? Why does my heart beat slower? Where is Carol? Where are my abilities to dream and to believe? Who am I and why am I so alone? What really happened? I don't understand. I find myself blessed with being part of a great information age that takes only seconds to produce answers, yet I feel as I know nothing. I feel lost and incapable of understanding many things. I am unable to produce coherent reasons. It feels as if I have perished....I am dead...gone. I am sure that most of my recent heartbeats have been nothing but loud cries of my heart yelling out my name, desperately looking for me. And I have not been in the position to reply...I don't have a damn clue!

Every once in a while that inner child in me tries to surface, and tries to cheer me on. I feel in random stages of my days as if I could definitely move forward and carry on, but this inordinate sensation of incapacity takes over, and the always available sadness of my reality takes control of my thoughts, my takes control of me. It is sad to wake up knowing that death is inevitable. Time ends for many things living, but never would I have thought that I'd be losing all those sentiments that Carol created in me. I thought these things were forever. I thought they were safe.

I am not entirely sure what happens to our human condition as we move on, as we grow up. Maturity is supposed to be the headway to understanding and to figure life as we embarque on our individual  journeys, but what I have found is that age can sometimes be detrimental to a soul, and that time itself can be a cruel and reliable accomplice to the death of the end of feelings, to the end of hope. I loved that volleyball game on that afternoon, and yes, we did win the match! Carol and I left the court that day ready to move on with the next game, the next challenges, ready to face life.

Little did I know that today, after so many years instead of knowing more, I found myself without Carol, without new feelings, and without explanations. Completely clueless, confused...absolutely perplexed!


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